Hey there, Pretty Blossom!
Today, I wanted to share a story with you, about a life lesson I had to learn, the day that I doubted God.
This was back in 2012, when I was still very insecure and weak minded, and was very new in my self healing journey… I had been feeling hopeful, more grounded, happier, and more positive that I had in the past, for a few months now. In fact, I had been feeling better than I had in about three years, prior to my first pregnancy. I know that this positive change that occurring in me was largely because I was beginning to develop a relationship with God, which I had openly rejected prior to hitting my lowest of lows… When I opened my heart to God, out of desperation for to find strength from somewhere outside of myself, I felt loved, and more supported and accepted than I ever had in the past, and I was beginning to feel like I was slowly pulling myself out of the dark cloud that had been consuming me for so long.
One day, I was feeling so happy, that I actually felt comfortable sharing my new expanding beliefs having to do with God and Spirit with someone in my family who I love deeply and trust with all of my heart. I was shocked when he was quick to judge and stomp on the belief system that I was now feeling was my personal truth, and that had been making me feel so safe, happy and complete! To him, his comments were just words mixed with the strong opinion that God was all in my head, that there was nothing out there, and beliefs like that are basically just people believing in imaginary friends who live in the sky, because they can deal with the realities of life… He (unintentionally) made me feel really stupid for thinking that there was something else out there other than what we experience in our physical world. This of course was his personal truth, and what he believed, and in his view, he was just helping me out, because I, in his view, was wrong, and didn’t know any better… Ouch!
Well, I don’t think he realized just how fragile I was at this point, and diffidently didn’t expect the emotional breakdown that he would soon be witness to… At first, I listed to his words, and then, still fragile, begin to consider that he was right, and of course felt stupid, and cried enough tears to fill a bath tub…I was crying so hard, I couldn’t breath. I felt like I was having a panic attach or an equivalent to a mental break down. I was embarrassed, shamed, and more confused than I had ever been. It was definitely too much for me to process. Maybe God doesn’t exist, I thought. Maybe it’s all in my head? Maybe I am crazy for believing in something or someone that I can’t see… Maybe something is wrong with me, and all of the spiritual experiences that I have had over the past few months were in fact just some imbalance in my mental health?… OMG!!! If God didn’t exists and I really was having this relationship and dialog with a force outside of myself all this time was just in my imagination, I was a crazy person! In that moment of doubting God, thinking that maybe this family member of mine was right, I felt like the dumbest most pathetic person on earth! I felt myself quickly sink back into that dark cloud, and if his personal truth was in fact TRUE, than I surly belonged in a mental hospital. My world crashed around me, yet again, and I didn’t even know who I was or what I thought I believed in any more. I took a complete step backwards in my personal growth and I was a mess. At that time, YES, I did need strength outside of myself to help me through this thing called life, and within 2 minutes, it was pulled out from under my feet….
During the duration of this conversation with this family member, which seamed to go on for hours, I literally felt the present of God leave me. I began to doubt everything that he had ever said to me, every sign that I had ever received, and any little magic or hope that may be out there beyond our physical plane. As I listed to my family member and continued to feel that it had all been in my head, I remember looking outside and I remember having the thought that nothing looked alive to me anymore. My World was transforming back into the dark, cold, lifeless space that I had dwelled in for so long. There was no light, there was no laughter, no love, no meaning. It was empty. I was empty.
I remained like this, Godless, for about three days after that conversation, and the light still had not come back to me. I felt disconnected, depressed, and more alone that I ever had felt in the past. *I cry every time I think about how I felt during these days actually, because it was a pain that you would have to experience to fully understand……….
On the fourth day, I woke up, and decided that I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed God. I needed what I had before I began to doubt him. I couldn’t go backwards, and I couldn’t walk around in this empty shell like I had for so many years prior. I began to cry again, alone in my house with my babies sleeping in the next room, and I literally begged him to forgive me for doubting him. I begged for him to come back into my life, so that I could feel alive, safe, loved and whole again…….
He was there for me the whole time, but I truly believe that he pulled away from me during those days so that I could remember what my life felt like before I had opened my heart to him. It was an extremely difficult experience, a hard reminder, and an existence that I promised Him and myself that I would never go back to, again.
This was a pivotal moment in my life, and I have never felt so in line with my truth, and saved by God.
To remind myself of this life lesson and to celebrate the strength I found in myself to overcome this doubt in God, I bought myself this heart shapes stone (*shown in the photo above), which I keep visible, within my sacred space. I look at it as a personal award of achievement, and an offering of my heart to my God. You did it Alysia! You were true to yourself, and God will always be with you, as long as you keep your heart open to receiving his love. This is probably one of the most difficult life lessons that I have ever experiences emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually, but it was hands down, the one that was most worth the pain.
I hope this personal story encourages you to life your own truth, no matter how strong or weak you bay be feeling during this time in your life.
May you find the strength in your heart, every day, to be who you are form the deepest corners of yourself, and believe what you choose to believe in, without fear, and without the need to explain to other why you are who you are, or why you believe in what you believe. You don’t need to. There is truth only within our own personal experience, and we can only find true balance when we turn off the noise of the World, and follow our own inner compass.
Namaste & God Bless